Brian’s Testimony

Brian Baltzer

Brian Baltzer

My life was out of control.  I was lost and confused; I worked very hard to develop coping mechanisms to survive the confusion and emptiness.  I had built, over time, an untruthful perception of myself.  I was into self-deception; that is, living a lie to me and others. I had made my reality living life as an active homosexual.  I thought that I knew exactly who I was, but my conscience told me something was wrong.  It was an extremely insecure time in my life.  I was in denial. My pain and emotions grew inside me until I vented my anger and pent-up frustration, hurting others and myself in the process.

Then I made some important decisions that began a process of recovery and healing.

Realizing the Devil does exist and that he had control of my mind was a critical step towards healing.  First Peter 5:8 tells us, “Be careful! Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy.  He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour.”  This is a very devious deception by the Devil.  I did not see myself as a victim with the Devil in control of my life.

I also had to stop excusing and rationalizing my homosexual behavior as right for me, believing that it was the way I was made and that I could not change or do anything about it.  However, change did come.  It was painful.  I did not want to let go of that which had become a false and comfortable perception of who I was.  Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”  My Mother told me that she knew, and God knew, that he did not, that he could not, create me to have homosexual behavioral tendencies.  God cannot and did not create that to be part of what a man is!  I also understood for myself that God cannot, he will not, change his mind about who I am and what I can become.

I began pleading with God, talking to him, a living personal God, to intervene in my life.  I then realized God had already reached out his hand for me but I had to reach out and grasp his hand.  I consciously made a one hundred and eighty degree turn in my mind and started to walk the other way from the bondage I had embraced.  The line had been drawn in the sand!  The battle for control of my mind had begun!

This is a real battle between Jesus and the Devil.  First Peter 1:14 says, “Don’t slip back into your old ways of doing evil.” At first it was one step forward and three steps back, then five steps forward and two steps back.  I had to believe that what Jesus said in Luke 4:18 was for me, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me (that is Jesus for he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the downtrodden will be freed from their oppressors.” I was truly poor, a blind captive to my homosexual behavior, so blind to the oppressive and deceptive ways of the Devil.  I finally decided and accepted the truth that my homosexual behavior is wrong.  I began to let go of myself and allow God’s Holy Spirit to heal and change my mind.  I was, and still am, finding release from this mental and physical bondage.  Since the day I made that choice to turn around and go the opposite direction, I am released and freed from the oppressor who is the Devil.  I have been walking as Jesus Christ can only see and accept me, living every day, one day at a time, in freedom and liberty.

It takes work, first accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior, and then it takes time to develop a deeper friendship with God, learning to pray, read and meditate on his word, the Bible, as often as I can.  I learned to trust and depend on help from God through his Son, Jesus Christ, and help from other people showing tough love and not giving up on me or throwing me out.  With the help of the Holy Spirit and good mentors, I am still learning what a man is as God created all men to be.

First Peter 1:6 says, “So you are truly glad!  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while.”  This narrow road that I have chosen has been very painful and hard.  Some of this pain was of my own making as I questioned the direction I had chosen.  Doubt and fear of the unknown are emotions that are common to all.  However, I have come to understand First Peter 1:7, “These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold, and your faith is far more precious to God then mere gold.  So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

Celebrate Recover is very good for me.  It is giving me a new opportunity to look at where I have come from and exposes areas of my life that the Holy Spirit can still help heal and grow as I continue to trust in Jesus, the Christ.